Third month

I'm reading through Simple Abundance for the second year. I ran across a mention that the author had her own web site for the book: http://www.simpleabundance.com/. I wasn't particularly impressed by the website. The 'interactive' gratitude journal simply took your entries and displayed them on the next page. Maybe there are browsers which would print the leafy background, but .... Nevertheless, i did enter in my five thanksgivings for the day.

1. My spouse and our relationship.
2. Really good porter from Sweden, despite the nagging headache.
3. Support from friends and family as i await possibly life changing news.
4. The immediacy of the internet in receiving that support!
5. The growing sense of success i have in myself.

I've been busy this year -- the past ten weeks or so -- 'reinventing' myself. Perhaps 'refining myself' is the more appropriate term as i am not trying to change so much as emphasize the positive.

As i run across books and online courses and communities, i recognize i am far from alone in this desire. I am surprised, however, that my sisters in this quest all seem to be older than i. I've decided the years of deep depression i experienced aged me more in spirit than the simple wash of time against my body. I've recovered my strength, and feel like I'm ready to bloom and fruit again, but i know i need to do things differently. I want to be the strong, confident, sensual, wise woman i know i am.

I think i can catch a little breath now, although i'm still not doing well with the stress of uncertainty. Will I be moving to California, or no? X is finding the waiting stressful, too. We're both making the effort to not make it worse for the other, but we aren't much comfort to each other. There's just the shared sense of, "I'm miserable waiting, too."

I know i'm at my monthly nadir, right now, though. A few weeks ago i was at a peak, and i got my hair styled and a make over. The main change is getting back bangs (which i haven't had in ages). I don't think i'll ever let them grow out again: my high, white forehead is not the most attractive feature of my face (I don't know what is, but my forehead is not it). I'm trying to wear makeup everyday because i have an instinctive feeling that it's a good thing for me to do. Christopher says it's a zenlike (or ritualized?) way of taking care of myself. I *have* been trying to focus on my breath while doing my makeup, but there's still this questioning inside me: what does wearing makeup say about simplicity? Is it a contradiction? How does the artificial nature of makeup respond to the values of simplicity and authenticity?

Weirdly, i now that at this moment in my life, wearing makeup is an authentic -- expression? -- of my Self. I just don't understand why it is not a rejection of my real physical nature. I almost feel as if wearing makeup -- hiding imperfections? altering my appearance -- is a *celebration* of my physical appearance.

All in all, i know i'm feeling better and better about my Self.

I am very slowly getting into a program of yoga, too. I've a tape i received as s Christmas gift that i do fairly regularly in the morning. I've heard it said it takes a month to really develop a habit. I think it takes me two or three.

I've been reading Simple Abundance off and on for the past year. I also spent the first part of this year with a Reader's Digest book: Take Ten Years Off In Ten Weeks. I feel like i'm younger than most of the women who are posting here -- i turned 32 last week. On the other hand, I spent 1990-1998 in physics graduate school which drove me into a deep depression that i am just beginning to shake off. I need too lose about 20 pounds to get back to a 25 BMI. I've been climbing the stairs to my office, 6 flights, and I am still completely out of breath when i get to my office.

Knowing i have Seasonal Affective Disorder, i decided not to begin a diet or exercise plan until spring (two weeks away!). I began trying to be more disciplined in both areas, though, in January, and i think i am already seeing a little benefit.

On the other hand, out of the blue in late January i was recruited for a very cool job across the country....

Phoenixelaine, you take pride in your work and are out to prove you can meet many challenges. While you want to make your own personal mark on the world, you also want to be seen as a steady, dependable, and loyal team player. You can share the glory. You enjoy demonstrating individual initiative, but you don't like to rush into projects until you are confident that they will be of genuine benefit to everyone. You prefer to carefully evaluate your options, make your decisions on the basis of well thought-out standards. Then you break down your work into logically organized tasks that lead step-by-step to the achievement of your goals. You can be demanding of others and, at times, critical when they let you down or fall short of your expectations.

Your philosophy of success is: "If I choose wise and meaningful goals, think before I act, and move ahead deliberately, logically, and do my best, then I can build up my supply of the good things of life that come to me or that are waiting to be taken." -Dr. Stuart Atkins

Phoenixelaine, when you encounter stressful problems, you assume responsibility for solving them, analyze your situation carefully, and redouble your efforts once you have identified the most sensible solution. You are willing to spend the time it takes to identify your alternatives and examine their pros and cons to make sure that you know how to take care of the problem and do what is best for everyone involved. Rational, systematic, and guided by a vision of how things could and should be, you are tenacious in your commitment to doing what is right and setting things right.

Your philosophy of success is: "If I preserve what I have and prove my worth by always trying my best, helping others, and sticking to the facts, then I can slowly build up a supply of the good things of life that come to me." -Dr. Stuart Atkins